Below follows an example of why you shouldn't play AC when you're miserable:

00.00.10.2444.r Portal:compiled Wed Oct 04 08:34:27 2000 : Release
Welcome to Asheron's Call
You tell Zebediah, "sorry my computer decided to crash"

Just prior to this, I'd been talking to Zeb about why I was feeling so down.
I'd tried to reconnect while he read my email to the list and my machine had
crashed. I am currently standing just outside of Ayan Baqur in the swamp.

Zebediah tells you, "be with you in a minute"
Natalie-Portman is logged on.
Zebediah is logged on.
Kumo Miyamoto is logged on.
Kalir is logged on.
Drudge Ravener tried and failed to cast a spell at you!
Mana Conversion Mastery Self V has expired.
Life Magic Mastery Self V has expired.
Armor Self V has expired.
Rejuvenation Self V has expired.
The spell Impenetrability V on Mattekar Hide Coat has expired.
The spell Impenetrability V on Gromnie Hide Studded Leather Leggings has
expired.

I am basically sitting around and all my buffs are falling. My character is
in a mess - I need mana stones badly as half my jewelry is out of mana and
I'm at 108% burden. I'm in a bad mood as well. Right about now is just
when you don't want to see this guy:

Guess says, "Cruath Quatak"
Guess cast Fire Vulnerability Other VI on you
You say, "Shurov Thiloi"
The magic courses strongly through you.

Um, bye. I felt I was lucky to get away with my life here, luckily I had my
wand out at the time. I was expecting to materialise at the Web Maze but
I've tied to Teth now so I appeared at the portal in spot there, somewhat
unexpectedly. I take off to find a quiet hillside on which to chat to Zeb
and let the vuln wear off.

You tell Guess, "fought you before, don't want to do it again in a hurry"
You tell Zebediah, "now have fire vuln 6 on thanks to Guess, so take your
time :("
Zebediah tells you, "you need to get motes and learn your dispells"
You tell Zebediah, "um, why?"
Zebediah tells you, "so you can get rid of vulns"
You tell Zebediah, "doesn't get rid of 6s"
Zebediah tells you, "it will when you learn the VI debuff"
You tell Zebediah, "I didn't even know there was one"
You tell Zebediah, "and besides, it doesn't matter, I am a mess... I'm
burdened, out of mana stones, both my ties are full of PKs"
You tell Zebediah, "focus and strength and creature jewelry is all out of
mana"

And item as well, forgot about that one. It means I have to cast three
extra spells just to do my buffs which turns buffing into an even longer,
more boring process.

Zebediah tells you, "dammit i died"
You tell Zebediah, "sorry..."
You tell Zebediah, "I'm really sorry, I'm not good company right now, I'm
going to log"
Zebediah tells you, "please wait 5 min"
You tell Zebediah, "why? I won't be any better then... I will just make you
miserable as well"
Zebediah tells you, "you aren't making me miserable"
You tell Zebediah, "alright I will wait AFK."

I go off to read some mail and come back a few minutes later.

Zebediah tells you, "dammit"
You tell Zebediah, "what's up?"
Zebediah tells you, "I suck"
You tell Zebediah, "you and me both"
Zebediah tells you, "I hate being small, I hate wearing armor, I hate a lot
of playing here"
You tell Zebediah, "btw, I am really really sorry to hear about Ordius"
Zebediah tells you, "me 2"
You tell Zebediah, "he's a sweetheart, even though I didn't know him very
well I will really miss him"
You tell Zebediah, "and I hate being small, wearing armour and playing here
too :("
You tell Zebediah, "I used to think "when I can cast level 5s it'll be
alright"... but now I can and it isn't"
You tell Zebediah, "where are you?"
Zebediah tells you, "ok, coming on as Rojon"
Zebediah has logged off.
Rojon tells you, "Alice you let too much stuff get to you"
You tell Rojon, "I know"
Rojon tells you, "so don't"

All this time I am standing on a hilltop near Teth. I am really frustrated
with AC as you can probably tell. I was also in a terribly negative mood
all day...

Senator Lifestone tells you, "sorry, had to get a body. Hows huntin?"
You tell Senator Lifestone, "can't chat at moment sorry"

Sorry Senator... I was just in too much of a bad mood - best not to talk to
me when I'm like that :-)

[snip lengthy conversation about AC and life in general]

You tell Rojon, "about to get PKed"

I can see some guy loitering on the edge of my screen. He is a level 32
mage under Krid. I can't remember if Krid is PK or not, but this guy is
exhibiting typical "I'm about to attack you" behaviour (you know sometimes
you can just tell). I am feeling tired and pissed off and I just don't care
anymore. I feel like saying, "Go ahead and kill me, I'm not even going to
fight back".

Rojon tells you, "then bail"
Diablos' says, "Zojak Quazael"

I can see the spell coming towards me and I could easily dodge it but I
don't, I just stand there waiting for it to hit.

Diablos' says, "Cruath Quaril"
You tell Rojon, "but can't be bothered to move"
Diablos' cast Piercing Vulnerability Other IV on you
Diablos' gores you for 113 points with Force Bolt IV

I wanted to hear that sound, the sound of war spells smashing into things.
In a way I wish he'd one-hit me. He starts running towards me and suddenly
I go onto auto-pilot and try to escape. I bust out my wand and recall.

Rojon tells you, "why do you think I logged on as a mule?"
You say, "Shurov Thiguz"
Diablos' says, "Equin Zhapaj"
The magic surges through you.
You were killed by Diablos'!
Diablos' casts Harm Other IV and drains 23 points of your health.
Bael'Zharon has granted you respite after your moment of weakness. You are
temporarily no longer a player killer.

Um, or not.

You've lost 44 Pyreals, your Gold Amulet, your Steel Yoroi Pauldrons, and
your Mana Stone (Greater)!
Rojon tells you, "Alice, don't be stupid"
Rojon tells you, "you're not stupid, so don't be"
You tell Rojon, "FANTASTIC"
You tell Rojon, "give me a second"
Your actions have dispelled the Lifestone's magic!
Rojon tells you, "Sure, and by the way, there are level VI dispells"
Rojon tells you, "afk - dogs"
You tell Diablos', "I knew you were going to do that but am having the worst
day known to man, just don't care anymore, sorry for not giving you a better
fight"
Rojon tells you, "back"
You tell Rojon, "I stood there and let the guy nearly kill me then recalled
after getting hit for 113"
Rojon tells you, "sweet, what'd he say?"
You tell Rojon, "he harmed me to death but my body ported"
Kumo Miyamoto tells you, "Hello, you ok today?"
You tell Rojon, "so I got my stuff and am now WHITE and thus can get back to
Yanshi"
You tell Kumo Miyamoto, "no"
Rojon tells you, "why do you have to be white to go to Yanshi?"
Bael'Zharon's power flows through you again. You are once more a player
killer.
Kumo Miyamoto tells you, "I am sorry about that. :-( Anything I can do to
help you?"
You tell Kumo Miyamoto, "nope, talking to Zeb, I'll be alright, thanks"
You tell Rojon, "because I think I'll die otherwise"
Rojon tells you, "I don't understand"
Kumo Miyamoto tells you, "ok, remember we are your friends and if you need
anything, never hesitate to ask. :-)"
You tell Rojon, "me neither, I am being stupid, I should log"

Actually, in retrospect I do understand. I understand that being LS tied in
Ayan and portal tied to Teth means that I can't get back to Yanshi without
running through Ayan Baqur, Baishi, Shoushi and Yanshi. That means there's
three extra chances to die every time I need tapers or am burdened or just
want to go home.

The only time I feel safe on that run is when I'm white.
I am level 34 and I can't even go to my home town without being frightened
of dying. I hate that.

I have two options: Move my mules to either Teth or AB (almost certainly
going to be Teth) or tie to Yanshi instead of Teth. I need to know what the
Source is doing. If I move my mules, I will rarely be at the mule spot in
Yanshi anymore. I think that would be kind of sad, but at the same time
it's really horrible risking my life several times daily just to pick up
tapers. I am running round at 110% burden with comps to minimise the trips
and burning mana stones like a madman wearing Strength III all the time.

Senator Lifestone tells you, "I know you'rebusy, but there are alot of mage
crimsons around Teth
You tell Senator Lifestone, "thanks, I died already, heh"

Look through this chat log. There's Zeb/Rojon talking me through stuff,
Kumo checking I'm okay, and Senator trying to stop me getting myself killed.
Thanks everyone, it's really nice of you. Especially Zeb, who spent the
best part of an hour talking to me and cheering me up.

With regard to the bigger picture... I have spent a couple of days away from
AC and had a chance to think things through.

1. I think I'll be a lot happier once the tree is reorganised. The
thing that bothers me the most is the uncertainty of it all. Once I know
where I'm going to be, I'll adjust to the idea wherever I end up. I also
think that there should be as much consultation as possible.

2. I think I have let myself get too stressed out by AC lately. Part
of this is due to my mules all being in Yanshi whereas I spend my time in
Teth and Ayan Baqur. Part of it is because I'm learning to fight Tuskers
and finding it really tough. Part of it is because I don't like being
killed and spend my time in a constant state of fear. Part of it is because
I feel like I have let people down by not being available even when I'm
online.

3. I also think that a lot of my posts to the list have been very
negative lately, this one included. I think I should try not to post about
my bad experiences and try to be a bit more cheery when I do post, it's not
as if it's going to kill me ;-)

On a personal note, I've been having a lot of problems recently and haven't
been very happy generally. I tend to turn to AC at those times as a way to
get rid of stress and have fun. If AC itself is making me stressed and
miserable, it all goes a bit wrong and that's why I was like I was on Fight
Night and last Friday.

Luckily this weekend has gone a long way towards making me feel better about
life in general (amazing what a huge shopping trip can do for a girl!) and
I'm much happier than I was on Friday.

Hopefully this'll be reflected in AC too :-)

Thanks to everyone for being so patient with me,

Alice
Mhali - "Alice, you beat yourself up if the sun rises"