Pre-PS: I don't have a subscription to the ListServ, and Brin is out of town...so, Jamie, could you submit this for me? I don't know if it's an homage or a ripoff :)

Here's a what happened in the Folthid Cellar. I am Level 17 and plunging deep into uncharted waters!

Excited yet?

Shakuras sets out to get some experience. Shakuras, because he is a politically-minded soul who wants to hit a high level quickly, doesn't do much else these days besides gain experience. Not that it's not fun, but I have a hard time believing I'm making Dereth a better place when all I do is run around on the Mayoi Beach.

I want to do something better. The last vestiges of my computer addled memory seem to recall that I once saw a Wood Golem near the Folthid Cellar LS, which I tied too before I went to Mosswart Village with Brin.

"Hey, hunting Golems sounds like fun. Think I'll do that."

So I ask Rojon for the co-ords, not knowing it's the beige dot on my map. Predictably, Rojon is hesitant. He wants to know why I'm going to the Folthid Cellar. He does not want me to go and kill myself. Considering what happened the first time I hunted with him and Merodda (and the last time), I understand his concern. "Just going to hunt Wood Golems."

Of course, I arrived to find a bunch of Banderlings and other BS. The Golems are just inside the entrance.

I don't know it at the time, but there are several factors working against an enjoyable Golem-hunting experience:

1. Wood Golems give experience points on a level that ranges from "anemic" to "lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut."

2. The spawn rate was not exactly enticing me to yell "Slow down, Bullet!"

3. Wood Golems have never been known as "mote-machines".

4. A duo of dingleberries were camping the Folthid entrance to get a Wood Heart. They were taking quite a few of my kills.

Since I was wearing more jewelry than Mr. T, all of which was sucking mana like a Hollywood whore (to use Chris L'Etoile's phrase), I realized that the candy-ass amount of experience I got from each Golem was not worth the mana stones I would have to get to refill my gaudy collection of bracelets and rings.

Rather than gaining 300 experience every 5 minutes and picking up an Ebony Talisman and some Ginseng on the side, I tried to go further in. Door locked. Neither of the assbombers in the room can open the door for me. Door stands there, shut tight, taunting me.

Stopped at every turn. The world can be an unfriendly place. Luckily, after I'd collected a few more 5p gems, some kind soul opened the door and I was let inside.

I see Mossworts.

Eh. Kill them- easy stuff. One Barker leaves me two magical shields and a non-magical shield. Is that even possible? Who cares? Kill some more.

I run into a Limestone Golem and do what I usually do when I meet an enemy: stand there and swing at it. It's not exactly straight out of Sun Tzu's "Art Of War", but it will suffice. I win and check my experience like the non-RP'ing power gamer I am.

Limestone = good.
Wood = bad.

Limestones leave gems and mana stones. Wood Golems leave a garden salad.

Then I remember myself- I must RP!

"Uh...thou art deadeth!" I say in my mostly Victorian tones (not that that can be inferred from the text.) A Barker Mosswart spawns and sticks a spear in my right buttock.

"Get thine spear away fromst mine asseth!"

...

It's hard to RP when there's no one around but Mosswart. My RP'ing skills seem to be degenerating in any case-

(flash forward to Druss' chat box a year from now)

Shakuras tells you, "uh cna I hvae some k3wl l3wt
Shakuras tells you, "d00deth"

I'm lying down to regain stamina...the place is a madhouse...there is stuff all over the place. Mosswarts are wondering everywhere. A shaman is debuffing me through the floor. But no liches. They must be further down.

Boom boom boom, kill more stuff. Mosswarts are easy for me now. Take 14. Take 14. Come on, I can do better than that. Take 40, dead. Much better. I start racking up shields and helmets. I start dropping everything non-magical. Then I realize that this is so easy I can just run around barefoot with my Olthoi Sword and kill things.

(Segue to the Wing Collector in Mayoi)

WC: "Hey, nice sword."
Shak: "Give it back to me, scoundrel!
WC: "No way...this will feed my family for a month if I sell it."
Shak: "For the last time, I gave it to you by accident! You cannot possibly...I mean...Druss will hear of this! WC: "Pah! Idle threats!"
Shak: "Bastard! Damn your eyes!"

Anyhow, I do just that....run around barefoot and kill stuff. Eventually I make it to the bottom and see this ominous green room you have to jump into. That must be where the Liches are. Of course, before I could see this green room, I had to get one of the four guys up camping in the switch room to open it. They are generally co-operative, except when the Limestone they're camping keeps jumping down the one-story drop to get to me on the floor, letting me get the kill.

Shrug. What am supposed to do, throw it back up?

I don't go down, not yet. I gain a load of experience from camping Limestones myself (the thrill of advanced battle tactics!) and generally sitting around on my ass (this is the oldest tactic of them all). Eventually after a couple of trips to town, I'm getting curious.

I buff up and jump down. For those of you who don't know me, I play Shakuras. Shakuras runs up to stuff, stands there, and kills it. I kill some undead...they are easy.

You have evaded Undead's attack.
You have evaded Undead's attack.
You cut undead for 32 points of damage!
You have evaded Undead's attack.
Undead's splintered corpse lies before you!

Then this other Undead comes up to me, but I can't hit it worth a damn. I look at the text box.

Lich has evaded your attack.

Well, hell. Looks like the boss is here. Let's see what we can do?

The Lich debuffs me twice, but I get a lucky crit and kill it with 20 health left. Not bad for a LV 17 guy. No level IV war magic was seen, luckily for me.

...

For lack of a better turn of phrase, I will make Hemmingway, Poe and Tennyson turn over in their collective graves my stating that the next Lich BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME.

So I'm back at the LS.

"This is bad," I say, as if the myriad of empty popcans, AD&D sourcebooks and Magic: The Gathering cards in my basement had ears. Why is this bad? Because I have lost my best three pieces of armor, and if I go down to where my corpse is, I'm likely to just die again.

The lich killed me again!

I go down and die again. Drain Health III is broken.

So now I have a dilemma...I can call someone for help and have Rojon swear at me for a while...or I can keep plugging away at this alone.

I decide for alone. And, with luck, I find a guy named X-blaze-X in the dungeon. He's a LV 23 Unarmed/Item. Did I mention there are now two Liches right where my corpse is?

"You shouldn't take Liches at 17, man. Last time I was down there they fucked me up bad," says X-blaze-X, ever the roleplayer.

X-blaze-X dies after he jumps down without warning me and I'm stuck in chat mode, impotently typing "wwwwwaadddwwww". I jump down and kill one before dying too.

"Shit," says X-blaze-X in a classic understatement. We run back in.

We jump down and I barely kill the last Lich while at 3 life. A Mosswart Shaman spawns above and attacks me. Somehow I kill it without getting hit. Brin, who is watching over my shoulder, thinks I'm a retard for even trying it. Thanks, coach. I also kill a Mudlurk while at 3 life.

...

I get my bodies and my Vitae looks like the insurance rate on a bank loan. So we continue on. Two on one we can smoke the Liches pretty bad, but I think we're getting lucky...I never got hit with War Magic the whole time. And that's a miracle for Shakuras since he just stands there and takes it in the chin when he's fighting.

Boom boom boom liches are dumb.

But now we can't find the way out. A switch X-blaze-X hits doesn't do what he expected it to do. I'm sure you can guess his response:

"wtf," says X-blaze-X, apparently too weary from battle to unburden himself of another classic X-blaze-X platitude and keeping it short. It takes a while, but we find the room.

I'll again offend past literary giants by saying that Scalves suck donkey testicles. We killed them like they weren't even there, and I got the dagger.

All in all a good day.

Geordie Tait,
MCSE Level II Tech Support
Sunoco Refinery x719
Sarnia, Ontario, Canada